All My Anti-Depressants, Literally

Below is a list of current and past medications I have been on, most of them specifically for "my" depression. Which is a bit of a misnomer because I don't want it, I don't like thinking of it as mine. Saying "my depression" is like the part in Arrested Development when Buster refers to Lucille 2's various problems from vertigo as "our nausea." Too bad I have no one along to share in the fun! But I digress.

CURRENT

Seroquel

Gives me such vivid dreams that my real life is a faded version. Probably makes my pulse fast, which makes me sick.

Abilify

Makes my arms weak and my head shake. Made me almost manic for a few weeks, and now I sink back into depression. Probably makes my pulse fast, which makes me sick.

Effexor

My old standby that gets less and less effective. I would have been dead a long time ago without it, but it makes me thirsty as shit.

Vitamin B

Smells like soup and salty food. Tastes awful, makes my pee bright. Allegedly helps with the depression but I haven’t noticed.

PAST

Seasonique

Hoped going off it would make my boobs smaller, skin better, weight less. No such luck to date.

Ativan

Made me exhausted but also helped me sleep and calmed me down when the Abilify was making me crazy. Took it to stop food cravings as well, under my tongue, like some sort of sacrament. Felt my junkiest when taking it.

Vicodin

Worked with Excedrin, made me sick without it. Made me feel happy when I took it with Excedrin.

Excedrin

My caffeine crutch. Took it until it actually gave me headaches.

Maxalt

Nice Mentos taste. Gave me serotonin syndrome. Didn’t really work for the headaches but helped some.

Wellbutrin

Made me sick going on and off of it. Took it as a second to Effexor but never really worked. My whole world was upside-down, nausea-wise.

Zoloft

Never helped. No bad side effects except ineffectiveness.

Prozac

Never helped. Took it for PMS at 15 and as a second to effexor. The worst for coming off side effects.

Lexapro

The best in terms of side effects but stopped working after a year.

All these cocksuckers have sexual side-effects. I have desire but no satisfaction.

Again, I would have been dead a long time ago without most of these but this is not better living through pharmaceuticals.